my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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