I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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