somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Randomize
