im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
