Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
