I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
