So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
