I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
