gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
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