You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
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Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
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I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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