My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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