Michael Bay diarrhea
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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