the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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