he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
40s are totally the cure
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
