I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!