I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers