the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
