Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?