My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome