my phone needs a breathalizer
Send us your Text From Last Night!
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
