"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
