Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
