My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
