Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.