the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Send us your Text From Last Night!
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you