I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
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Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
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The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
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That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.