Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.