not ubering you a puppy
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I just gargled with NyQuil
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.