turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
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Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
In other news, I just burned my penis