The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
