I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
