God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have already put on my inside pants.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.