Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
