I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy