I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Dating After Heartbreak
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.