When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.