She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
How's your threesome situation going?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We had sex on a dog bed..
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home