I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
