please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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