This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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