One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
whose parrot is this?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?