I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.