Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
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You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
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you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless