I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
These 25 Women First Experienced Sexual Harassment At A Shocking Age
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
It's blow job season.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now