This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do