We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
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and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
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dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.