I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."