I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday