Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"