We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.