Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Dating After Heartbreak
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
this will be a night to untag.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.