i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her