I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
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I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
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after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.