You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building