You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
If You’re One of These 12 Restaurant Customers, Your Server is Definitely Spitting in Your Food
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Good Food, Cheap Beer, and Hot Singles: the Top 13 Cities for Millennials
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building